Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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