i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
