So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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