when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
