my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
