Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She said her name was "party"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
