I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
