the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
