oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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