I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
