So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
