Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
