I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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