I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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