How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
