Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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