You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
