mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
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you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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