Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
