Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
