I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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