he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
