he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
