Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
