Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
