My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
