Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
