apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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