Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
