So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
