you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
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So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
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dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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