Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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