# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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