Can Purell be used as lube?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
