Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
