i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The adults are the big ones right?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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