Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
