Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
handjob tips. give me some.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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