I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
