Are we in a gay sports bar?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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