Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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