I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
