Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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