I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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