i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
