Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
