Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
