did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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