haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
