im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
