another moral hangover. fuck.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
