There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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