I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
