why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
