So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
