So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Randomize
