Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So many bounce houses so little time
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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