Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
40s are totally the cure
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
