thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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