I think scott just propositioned me for sex
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My liver just had a heart attack.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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