I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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