Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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