She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
